Today, I went up late again after struggling to do my report and slept at 3 a.m.

As usual, I went to tutorial and wait for 1 hour for another…

The last tutorial is the slackest tutorial I have ever been into. During the tutorial, we got back our essay assignment and the tutor asked us to do another question in the paper. I have been struggling to do it really. I realized that I am not a good writer at all. But, at the end of the class the tutor asked me to stay back since I got worst grade in my class.

He asked me whether I did ‘A’ level or polytechnic before, he implied that my essay is really bad. No content, no theories, out of point and my idea isn’t well explained in english. At first, I know I will cry when he told me that, but I hold on my tears… However at last, he said, “I know you have a good idea, I know that you are intellect. If not you won’t be in this university. ” I can’t bear my tears any longer, I started sobbing… He continued, ” But, you have to know that you have a good two legs, and those two legs may be a gymnast legs. If I asked you to do ballet, it will be tough. So, you must try harder..” I can’t stop my tears, they keep pouring down… He just said, “Don’t cry..”

I left the classroom, I still hide my tears from my friends.. I walked to the washroom, and I cry without sounds… I try to calm down, but I can’t. This made me realized that maybe I am just trying to lie myself that I have improved a lot since my first year. I even not proficient in English… I am so bad… I regretted that I made decision to come here, and took this course… I should have withdrawn since my first year… i shouldn’t struggle and feel so much pain here and still have no yield. They shouldn’t offer me the vacancy in the school here. They should have just rejected me at the first place…

 Now, what should I do? I can’t stop crying… I can’t stop blaming myself to choose this course. I can’t stop regretting my efforts that I have put until this point of time… I am lost… Totally lost in no where in this world… Could I just take one step and give up? or could I just failed everything at the beginning?? Am I in the wrong place? Do I have the capability to survive? What to do now? crying will not solve any problem. Should I just end everything? ='( I couldn’t stop this tears if I don’t have any direction of what I should do now.. I want to end everything here…

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