Today, I went up late again after struggling to do my report and slept at 3 a.m.
As usual, I went to tutorial and wait for 1 hour for another…
The last tutorial is the slackest tutorial I have ever been into. During the tutorial, we got back our essay assignment and the tutor asked us to do another question in the paper. I have been struggling to do it really. I realized that I am not a good writer at all. But, at the end of the class the tutor asked me to stay back since I got worst grade in my class.
He asked me whether I did ‘A’ level or polytechnic before, he implied that my essay is really bad. No content, no theories, out of point and my idea isn’t well explained in english. At first, I know I will cry when he told me that, but I hold on my tears… However at last, he said, “I know you have a good idea, I know that you are intellect. If not you won’t be in this university. ” I can’t bear my tears any longer, I started sobbing… He continued, ” But, you have to know that you have a good two legs, and those two legs may be a gymnast legs. If I asked you to do ballet, it will be tough. So, you must try harder..” I can’t stop my tears, they keep pouring down… He just said, “Don’t cry..”
I left the classroom, I still hide my tears from my friends.. I walked to the washroom, and I cry without sounds… I try to calm down, but I can’t. This made me realized that maybe I am just trying to lie myself that I have improved a lot since my first year. I even not proficient in English… I am so bad… I regretted that I made decision to come here, and took this course… I should have withdrawn since my first year… i shouldn’t struggle and feel so much pain here and still have no yield. They shouldn’t offer me the vacancy in the school here. They should have just rejected me at the first place…
Now, what should I do? I can’t stop crying… I can’t stop blaming myself to choose this course. I can’t stop regretting my efforts that I have put until this point of time… I am lost… Totally lost in no where in this world… Could I just take one step and give up? or could I just failed everything at the beginning?? Am I in the wrong place? Do I have the capability to survive? What to do now? crying will not solve any problem. Should I just end everything? ='( I couldn’t stop this tears if I don’t have any direction of what I should do now.. I want to end everything here…
My life is more than Just a "Life" 
13 comments
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October 4, 2007 at 2:20 pm
deziare
Oh my God,,,
I dunno what to say..
really, but if u think that stopping the best solution, then better stop now.
have u talked to others?like ur parents or what?
October 4, 2007 at 6:01 pm
tatsu
Erm … I think I have some ideas about your situation now. The thing is that you “should have” withdrawn and “shoud not” waste your time which you could do last year. But now you are in your 2nd year and I think it will waste your time if you stop now. But if you really can’t take it anymore, you may think of quitting the course. It is tough course indeed and I think you have struggled well in these past 2 semesters. Well … if you have done your best and still can’t catch the pace of the course, can’t be helped.
There are only two options: Keep going, be tough and work harder or quit, waste your 3 semester time and take another new course. The decision of your future is in your hand and as your friend, I only can give several ideas. Try to talk to your parents and dearest friends since they are the people who knows and care for you. Your past is for you to create a better future. All the best and GBU.
October 8, 2007 at 2:16 am
Ching
Mon… I really understand your feeling at that moment coz i had been through it as well in my second semester. My lecturer told me almost the same thing, they were trying to entertain me by saying “well…you actually have a good point”, then here the but came, “but… you dont have the technique. I cant find out the points of what you are trying to say in this essay” And when I saw the marked essay of mine, my tears really rolled down on the spot coz it scored C-. that was the worst score i had ever gotten during my 2 semester study. so just to tell you that you are not alone… there’s is always someone worse that you and that person is me.
well… out of that which i want to say is if you really think of quitting… maybe you could start considering it now. i know that being a friend, i should keep on supporting you. but i do know how hard and tough it would feel if you keep struggling that way. it is just like i am encouraging you to go through more depression. so… you could just start discussing this with your parents. maybe they could try to understand your position. since you’ve been trying for 1 year, dont waste other 3 years anymore. try to find something that you think you could enjoy and do better than going through this with depression.
anyway, jia you ba! ganbatte…!!! you can always share with us if you have any problem…dont keep those all to yourself. you are not just alone in this cruel world!
October 10, 2007 at 1:28 pm
desyz
Thanks for all the comments here… I appreciate all you thoughts about my problem.. After thinking about it, I guess I will just give it another shot! Why should I quit after I am at this point now? Yes, maybe this is just another turning point in my life, for me to realize what I could done better, what I could try to improve in myself… 🙂
@ching: ganbatte ne! you also can do it.. every hard time will pass soon, no matter how hard it has made u suffered, u will feel always find the relief after that… So much, much better than u can ever imagined…
The harder time we face, the stronger creature we will be…
we can make it! don’t worry…
I believe God has all His plan after all our hard times…
October 10, 2007 at 1:33 pm
desyz
@ tatsu: yes, I think I will not quit… I don’t want to waste all my efforts that I have put in this course… I had gone all those time that daunted me, I should have just try to fight again 🙂
Anyway, I believe what I have put in this course may be pay off someday… I hope it is fruitful efforts…
October 10, 2007 at 4:47 pm
Ching
yeah…. since that is your decision…show it to everyone that you can do what you have decided. If you know that you could do better, DO IT! and if you know you try to improve yourself, TRY IT! dont just let those thoughts lie in your mind without waking them up from long sleep. and now that you have decided what u want to do, i will support your decision, as what a friend should do. and here are some words that i hope can help you since they help me a lot when i feel down or depressed.
“Tuhan mengetahui yang terbaik, hanya terkadang memberi tantangan pada kita. pada saat kita tidak menyerah, percayalah… akan tiba saatnya Tuhan memberikan yang terbaik pada kita”
think of it so that next time u wont think of giving up anymore. and do not worry of your study. you are not the only one who undergo this kind of difficulties. what my classmates always tell me is that even though we learn harder than them and no matter how much lower our score is if we compare it to theirs, at the end of this journey we are the ones who learns more than them. and one more quotation: “you never know when the knowledge you learn will come into useful. always prepare yourself for opportunities”. so…just believe that what you are learning and struggling for will never cause a loss to you. you will need them one day, it’s just that you never know when is that “one day”. so ganbatte…. we fight this bloody difficulties together. as long as you know that you are not walking this long road alone, you will feel even stronger.
October 16, 2007 at 1:08 pm
deziare
desung, temen2 lu suka bikin essay dimna2 yah..
mengerikan sekale..
=.=”
jadi minder mao kasi comment
October 17, 2007 at 2:52 am
desyz
itu namanya comment ar aci.. haha 😀 makanya..
November 24, 2007 at 4:10 pm
J
sorry, i late..
i just jump to the newest post and skip this part..
well, almost got nth to said coz tatsu took my words hehe..
yup, i agree with tatsu.. well, go back home is just like running away and plz don’t blame urself for choosing that programme.
coz u may have ur own reason for choosing it right? or you can said that the programme was choosing you.
Don’t regret things, but learn it. how to avoid it in future, how to handle it if possible, how to go through it, etc. Having these in ur mind, u’ll be wiser.
Of course, u can give up and game over… starting new programme and so on… but i try to convince u not to.
we just dun want to lose 1 friend here…..
am i being selfish again? its ur life, decide it urself..
November 27, 2007 at 1:52 pm
Rhyn~bun
hm, i think i will look forward n not to reflect and see my past.. but, improve by looking forward.. if i look back, i will give up in any minute… thx 4 e comment 🙂
December 6, 2007 at 10:33 pm
Timothy Singleton
I hope you do not quit. I read your blog and though your English may not be perfect, it certainly conveys the mind of someone who thinks deeply. Hang in there, kid.
I know what it is like to try very hard to express myself only to come up short, but don’t quit. Decide if this is really what you want to do, and fight for it if it is. If not, do not just switch to another program, but think about what you want to do.
December 7, 2007 at 3:46 pm
Rhyn~bun
Hi Timothy, thanks for the comment.. It really give me some perspective about what I am going to do. That’s why I like comment from people.
I am not quiting and will not quit for something I have started, that’s something that I always tell myself. Although today, I still feel like my proficiency is so far away from my friends who are in the same course as me, I think I will learn more with this situation. I will even try harder because of it! Most probably, I will not be the best, but at least I tried my very best… I won’t regret…
Hope to improve my english is also a reason why I make this blog 🙂 I can train myself to express something inside my head even it may be not perfectly structured…
April 16, 2008 at 4:53 pm
Bianca
I didn’t read all your comments to this, but the first one caught my eye. It said something like “you better stop now.” I disagree. Don’t you dare give up on something you want. The life you live is yours… if you only live once, who is to say you are wrong? Don’t give up on yourself. Don’t lose faith in yourself. Never give up, and never surrender. I believe in you.