Today, I still have this problem of thinking about who I am today… What exactly I can do best?
I have seen so many people in my surroundings, they are a lot more confident and have the passion for the life they are leading to. Although some may not know exactly what they want in this life, but at least they are moving forward. Whereas here, I am someone who has no more passion in life. I cried so easily, I stuck and lost somewhere without realizing how this has happened. 😦
Sometimes I convince myself, “You still have the life, you still have everything beside you,” or when I cry, I remind myself, ” You can do it! everyone can do it, so surely you will be able to do it…” That’s exactly I will talk to myself everytime I feel really down. Sometimes, I feel so dumb, I feel so useless, I feel so trivial…then why I should be born in this world? I have no idea at all…
The point of all those statement is that, I am afraid, scared that I will be really useless someday if I keep thinking in this way. Certainly, I don’t want that to happen. I want to get up with courage, passion or whatever it is. I want to love what I have been studying, I try to learn more and more. But, why still there is no light that lead me to one single safe place? Because I am so stupid?
Because I am too lazy?
Because I am ingnorance type?
Because I am born to fail?
There are no end to it, I keep asking myself why I can’t do well even for only ONE SINGLE thing. I hate myself badly. I hate myself. I hate myself… I am scared of myself… I don’t want to live like this where I hate myself… But, why I can’t do something that Ican be proud of? why? why?
What I can see in myself?
I am stupid.
I am lazy.
I have no future.
I am useless.
I am nothing… 😥
Look at that people! Although they said they are stressed with their study, they achieved satisfied result.
Although they said they score not that good, they still have something else they can be proud of.
Then, why I can’t be like one of them? I am stressed, I feel stupid, I don’t achieve anything, I score so bad, I don’t have anything to be proud of, I have nothing at all!
“Stop blaming yourself”, this voice will support me but will little effect only.
“Be grateful of what you have had.”, but, it is not about grateful. It is what I can be. It is what I am now.
“Maybe you haven’t put that much effort,” but although I put whatever it costs, I still feel I am useless coz I am sluggish…
Whatever my mind can recall is the weakness in myself.
feel moody lately :((
Oh lights, shine and warm me please… I have had enough of dark and cold…