One word to describe this whole post is about :
Yes, I always wonder why do I live in this world… (like what I write in my blog).
Maybe some of you may think that I am too free to write this stupid post. But, I always being reminded by something, I don’t know what, that I should just choose a life where I don’t feel anything so I will never get hurt. (what is that life be? I don’t know). I wonder why I always being reminded by this voice inside me.
There was one day, I felt so damn tired of this life and just wanna escape or just being not “alive”. Imagine if I am not alive now, then I will not feel confuse and lost. If I am not alive now, then I will not feel happy or sad. If I am not alive now, I will not need to be responsible of my “life”.
But then, I was so eager to know about why I always never feel belong to this world. Even until now, I always hope to know how is being not “alive” will feel like. This doesn’t mean or imply that I want to be dead. I just think maybe being not alive or never alive, there will be no “Me” . No happiness, no sadness. No satisfaction, no disappointment. No love, no hatred. No hurt or to be hurt. Empty, just empty.
I really don’t get the point of being alive in this world. That day I feel as in I have done my best and will go on better, today I fall down and confuse. Today I feel as in they are people who close to me, tomorrow maybe I will realize they aren’t. Tomorrow I may find something to be happy about, but after that thing will just make me sad. This cycle is the path that I am being trapped in. I remembered that in my religious book, it said that life is like that. Then my question is, what is our purpose of living then? Why do we live in this hectic, iniquitous, ruthless, deceitful world?
What have I done so far? What is the goal of my life? What is it I am searching in this life? Money? Love? Happiness? Sadness? Betrayal? Success? Health? Truth? Lie? Friends? Family? Peace?
First, I feel maybe happiness, but now I don’t think I know the answer… Is there really a happiness in this life? Temporal maybe yes. Because of that, I assume that everything has been prepared and that I must follow the law, universal law of cycle of life. I am trapped inside it. I don’t know about you all.
But, in my deepest heart, I wish for a light that may give me direction to break the cycle of life that I embeds in. Be it “not alive” or “what”… I am still lost.
*realized that it has been almost 2 years I entered uni…*
still have to go on with her life