One word to describe this whole post is about :
Lost
Yes, I always wonder why do I live in this world… (like what I write in my blog).
Maybe some of you may think that I am too free to write this stupid post. But, I always being reminded by something, I don’t know what, that I should just choose a life where I don’t feel anything so I will never get hurt. (what is that life be? I don’t know). I wonder why I always being reminded by this voice inside me.
\\
There was one day, I felt so damn tired of this life and just wanna escape or just being not “alive”. Imagine if I am not alive now, then I will not feel confuse and lost. If I am not alive now, then I will not feel happy or sad. If I am not alive now, I will not need to be responsible of my “life”.
But then, I was so eager to know about why I always never feel belong to this world. Even until now, I always hope to know how is being not “alive” will feel like. This doesn’t mean or imply that I want to be dead. I just think maybe being not alive or never alive, there will be no “Me” . No happiness, no sadness. No satisfaction, no disappointment. No love, no hatred. No hurt or to be hurt. Empty, just empty.
I really don’t get the point of being alive in this world. That day I feel as in I have done my best and will go on better, today I fall down and confuse. Today I feel as in they are people who close to me, tomorrow maybe I will realize they aren’t. Tomorrow I may find something to be happy about, but after that thing will just make me sad. This cycle is the path that I am being trapped in. I remembered that in my religious book, it said that life is like that. Then my question is, what is our purpose of living then? Why do we live in this hectic, iniquitous, ruthless, deceitful world?
What have I done so far? What is the goal of my life? What is it I am searching in this life? Money? Love? Happiness? Sadness? Betrayal? Success? Health? Truth? Lie? Friends? Family? Peace?
First, I feel maybe happiness, but now I don’t think I know the answer… Is there really a happiness in this life? Temporal maybe yes. Because of that, I assume that everything has been prepared and that I must follow the law, universal law of cycle of life. I am trapped inside it. I don’t know about you all.
But, in my deepest heart, I wish for a light that may give me direction to break the cycle of life that I embeds in. Be it “not alive” or “what”… I am still lost.
*realized that it has been almost 2 years I entered uni…*
rhynchan~
still have to go on with her life
My life is more than Just a "Life" 
15 comments
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March 15, 2008 at 12:36 pm
chewy
hahhaa as u said, life goes on. i’m sure someday u’ll realise what’s the thing that keeps u going in life. until that day arrives, just be contented with whatever little happiness u get? :>
March 15, 2008 at 1:34 pm
-andri-
wew.. actually i’ve made a comment on this posting this morning, but it seems like there was sumthing error with wordpress.. so, i rewrite again lor.. hehe..
the answer for ur question is no, you cant..
mm.. just want to let u know that u live not only for urself, but also for others surrounding u..
family, friends… for them, i’m sure, ur presence is so meaningful.. well, u never know that u might have brightened their life..
moreover, u have a bunch of fantastic friends whom u can share ur burden with..
for instance like ur own blog, there are so many of ur friends’ comments caring for u..
everybody is unique.. so are you.. 🙂
.
.
.
(actually it implies that i’m also fantastic.. hehe.. jkjk :P)
btw, u’re still young (terpaksa nich ngomongnya… jkjk again) and i believe, along the way, u’ll know what ur purpose of life is..
so, cheer up! and がんばって..
March 16, 2008 at 2:42 am
oht
Being not “alive” is not just that empty. If u stop this life urself, u will start ur next life not in the heaven (maybe in the hell instead, I read about it from a religious book too ^^). Image that there are a lot of demons surround u and wanna take some parts of ur body. U may not feel the pain this time (cuz ur a ghost already >:) …) but sCary~~~?
Moreover, in that life, maybe u still have to go to university as ur punishment. And in this uni, probably no choir band for u to attend :(. More importantly, you might don’t have computer, headphone or Mp3 … to listen to music (Jay music huh ^^), and TV to watch KR drama. See ^^?
Seriously, if ur life is stopped, a lot of people will get hurt, some may not continue living without u. Actually, if they know that u don’t want to be “alive”, they might be hurt for sure…
Well, abt wat u’ve done so far, I believe people like u do a lot of things already but it’s just ur greedy want to do more than that. If ur not satisfied, so keep fighting!
… Hey, is it true that there will be no more entry if “something” is stopped? Plz don’t do it lah, some of us already consider ur blog as a daily magazine hehe ^^
March 16, 2008 at 11:46 am
jk
jgn mati dl ya rhyn…
ak masi butuh km..
cheers.
March 16, 2008 at 1:55 pm
Triple TT
I happened to read this post while I was surfing.
http://ffrf.org/books/lfif/?t=theologian is the page I encountered right after that and I thought it has something to do with this post. Feel free to read it! ^^
I totally see eye on eye with andri about this post.
You seems to be more mature than your age, I guess. To tell you the truth, I asked this kind of question when I was 15 years old. Don’t mistake me! I didn’t mean that I am more mature than you or something like that. I blurted it out just to show you that I experienced the same feeling more or less.
I dare not say I understand your feeling all because I do not understand myself at times as well. I believe in fate in the manner that it decides some part of our lives, especially the beginning. But the end is ours. Yup,how you choose to live your life depends heavily on your purpose of life.
I thought that you just forgot the purpose of your life for the time being on account of the hectic pace of life and your frustrations lately. All those led to what we call doubt. You are doubting.
You must be too tired to think that much. Unwind a bit. When you are free, travel. This is the best way to be yourself again from my point of view.
Anyway, wish you find your answer soon!
March 17, 2008 at 12:11 am
HgS
Many times in our life we will find difficulties. We will find boring time. We find struggling time. Ya that what life is about.
Of course you have something that is valuable for your surroundings rhyn. Even though sometimes you cannot realise it.
Like what andri said, you are still young.
(u know he said that coz he is much older than you. Hahaha… canda bur)
March 17, 2008 at 12:25 pm
septian
But, in my deepest heart, I wish for a light that may give me direction to break the cycle of life that I embeds in.
Do you want to know that light ?
March 17, 2008 at 5:52 pm
Rhyn~bun
Hey, guys… I really felt so touched with all of your concern and all comments you all left here for me…
@chewychan: I guess what you said is right.. remember that time when I posted sth similar with this post in our blog? (remember that we used to have blog? :p)You told me to just live through life and don’t think too much.. Probably, I should just not think too much… 🙂 Thx dear!
@andridut: hahaha.. thanks a lot for e long and so “implied you are fantastic” comment.. hahaa jk2.. thanks a lot!
everyone, I really thanked for all e comments.. really.. I will try my best to find the purpose that I have lost in the mean time… 🙂 For that reason, I will still keep on living, for sure.. 🙂
rhynchan~
March 18, 2008 at 3:07 pm
Tobe
“Life is not worth living unless you find something worth dying for” – a quote which I’ve considered as my life’s philosophy.
Long time ago, I feared death. While my friends are playing normal children’s game, I just sat in a corner and was crying like a fool imagining the day I cannot live anymore.
A few years passed by,instead of being afraid of death, I started to question about the purpose of life. Yet I failed to find an answer. I didn’t believe in those useless advices like “that’s life, just live it”, “you have friends and others etc.”. That’s just avoiding, not answering the question.
Some says that you need to have a dream, as long as you have a dream, you got hope to live on. But… dream, for what? Some spend their whole life trying to accomplish a dream, yet in the end they feel empty inside.
Some do have this question in their 20’s yet they avoid it by focusing on the predefined path, going to university, find a job, find a partner, build a family etc…. In their 70’s when all those things do not matters anymore, they once again face the question and fail to answer it.
However, fortunately, most people are carefree enough to live life by not having this question, avoiding this question, or accepting the reality.
Some, who’re not lucky to be carefree enough, live in pain or even end their life.
Your desire to try the state of “not being alive” without any emotions, thinkings, or any things, just Emptiness is also what Zen masters want. In Zen, when you’re enlightened, you will have eternal happiness by being able to live in the state of “not being alive”.
I myself don’t have the courage to engage in Zen. So I try to find my own answer. The quote from above is true by itself. It doesn’t help you to find the answer, it’s just the direction. Someday when you encounter something that you can even die for it. That’s when you’ll know the meaning of life.
March 21, 2008 at 2:03 pm
deziare
terlalu mendalam bundeng..susah mengertinya…
eh layout lu ga enak banget~
fotonya super gede…menarik attraction jadi ne males baca tulisan lu yg kecil..
jreng!! PS: comment yg aneh~~
March 24, 2008 at 4:23 am
Rhyn~bun
@Tobe:
Hi tobe, thanks for your comment.. What you said are all totally true, I feel… People always avoid to answer this question, even myself… Yes, I even tried to forget this question from my mind since I have to go on with my life. There’s too many responsibility that I still need to take care of. Sometimes, I think that I am insane to think of sth that most people will said as pointless contemplation. That’s when I have to go back to the daily life once again…
I don’t know why I have this kind of question inside my head, and sometimes I was trapped in the question itself.
As what you said, “not being alive” is when I have assured myself that people surrounds me can go on their lives happily without me being part of them, especially my family. But, in this point of time I still have a desire to make them feel happy because of me. I can’t leave them… That’s why I still choose to leave my life as how it is once more.
Perhaps, someday I can find the meaning of life and live for it, whatever it is…
Thanks Tobe, whoever you are… 🙂 nice to have your comment here.
@lehu: hehehe.. kok malah nyalahin layout se.. hahaha dasar lehu…
March 24, 2008 at 12:04 pm
Tobe
Hi Desy,
Once you were born into this world, you already have to bear some responsibilities. I myself only realize those recently when I’m becoming a so-called “young adult”. I cry every time I think of my family back home. Not because they’re having a hard life, quite the opposite. I cry because I realized how much hardship they overcame to raise me with so much love that every child would dream of. But what can I do for them? I want to give them happiness but … I myself don’t know what true happiness is. It is a trap of life (as you’re trapped in the question itself). I cry just because of that, I feel powerless.
Talking about trap of life, my teacher in high school once told me a story of an ant in the paper. If you use your finger, mixed with oil, draw a circle in the paper. Now, put the ant inside the oil-circle. The ant try its best to go out the circle, but every time it encounter the boundary made of oil, it move back and try other directions. However in the end, it’s just futile effort. We can view the ant with the paper as 2D objects, we, from 3D perspective, think that escaping the circle is so easy. Just walk out of it. But, for the ant, it’s just impossible.
It is to say that, from a higher perspective, problems which is impossible in lower perspective is possible. Life is also like that, we’re trapped inside a circle, but not made of oil, instead made of the question of “meaning of life”. Once you encounter it, you’ll tend to do the same like the ant, avoid it. As long as you live within the circle, you got a normal, and maybe “happy” life.
But for those who experienced the anger of not being able to escape the circle, the trap of life, sometimes are considered insane. For me, being insane is better than not knowing the reality.
Whatever decision you made, it is always true for you. No one, … no one has the right to judge your decision, except you.
It would be nice if we can become friend, feel free to add me aku_soku_zan.swordtiger@yahoo.com if sometimes you need to talk to someone when you hit the boundary of life’s trap.
March 24, 2008 at 12:18 pm
Unknown
@Tobe:
I have just added you as my friend. Could you accept so that we expand on that topic? It ‘s my pleasure! ^^
March 31, 2008 at 5:56 pm
chocolat
u know wat?
when one day i feel like i’m not alive
or better be not alive
u’re tiny smile is the only thing
that makes me do feel alive…
March 31, 2008 at 6:12 pm
Rhyn~bun
hahaha.. Thanks jonx! 😀