Well, today was totally madness. Oh no, it was since yesterday hmm.. no, it was since last week.

Hell yeah, everything just kept coming and never stop for a moment. Well, i guess it’s the way life is…

But, if I remember what I have had back there in Indonesia, I may not agree and lead this kind of life here.

There are advantages and disadvantages for sure between living here and Indonesia. I’ve tried to appreciate the advantages I have been getting these few years, safety, clean air, organized society, excellent education and whatever you can think of. However much effort I put in, it seems there’s just not much difference for this very competitive life here. There’s no significant improvement I can see when I look at my present self.On top of that, I feel like a robot who keeps doing whatever programs with packed schedule in her mind. In other words, I don’t see anything right with what I have done here, not even to say any satisfaction I get out of it.

I don’t intend to justify that when I was back then in Indonesia I enjoyed any improvement or anything by doing or putting effort on something. But just, there’s at least something that I can appreciate, I appreciate myself as much as I appreciate others. I didn’t look down at myself neither at others. I loved the way I am and felt grateful in every minute I spent with whoever I was with. I couldn’t ask for more than what I got back then… T.T

… my few close friends cum bunch of lively friends (nerdy, even to the extreme of rebellious buddies), loud family (dad who is so moody, mom who is so wise, sis who is so kind, bro who is so fun, grandmas, aunties, and everyone), full day activities (class from 7.30 to 3, continued with various private lessons)…


I miss that time so much that I am willing to give up whatever I have had now, convenient life, safety, groups of acquaintances, bunch of friends, two years of hard work, basically everything if I can get back and lead that simple life again. It was when I didn’t know what independent mean, what modern life is, what being an adult feels like, what love take forms of, what loneliness is, what depressed is, what achievement is, what  international competition sounds like, what philosophy is, what financial mean and whatever may go on in the list… 😦

I know I am dumb to think and look back (someone who is not gonna moving forward!). I know it’s useless to look back and think that’s the best. But, I just can’t appreciate what I have now. Deadlines, competitive friends, unclear state of mind, I am just tired. Many times, when I feel alone I talk to myself like someone who is going to join the mental health community. Remind myself that it will be over, just do it and everything will be alright, in place in time… pull all the strength out and it will be fine.


But what? The past looks more attractive and easier to pursue.. Am I doing the right thing? If I am not, I wish to be given hints so I won’t regret. So that, I will give up my dream to go back and to dream the future.

She become someone who hate herself more and more because of her clumsiness, her incompetitiveness, her disconnection with ppl...